How You Ruined My Life
Author: Jeff Strand
ISBN: 9781492662020
Release Date: April 3, 2018
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Summary:
A new hilarious novel from the author of The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever and Stranger Things Have Happened.
Rod’s
life doesn’t suck. If you ask him, it’s pretty awesome. He may not be
popular, but he and his best friends play in a band that has a standing
gig. Yeah, it’s Monday night and they don’t get paid, but they can turn
the volume up as loud as they want. And Rod’s girlfriend is hot, smart,
and believes in their band—believes in Rod. Aside from a winning lottery
ticket, what more could he ask for?
Answer:
A different cousin. When Rod’s scheming, two-faced cousin Blake moves
in for the semester, Rod tries to keep calm. Blake seems to have
everyone else fooled with good manners and suave smile, except Rod knows
better. Blake is taking over his room, taking over his band, taking over
his life! But Rod’s not about to give up without a fight. Game on. May
the best prankster win…
Praise for How You Ruined My Life:
“Witty dialogue,
ridiculous yet believable situations, and just the right note of
self-deprecating introspection make this a perfect book for reluctant
readers as well as those who are just not in the mood for angsty YA
novels.”–School Library Journal
“Readers
will howl with laughter, cringing as the author twists the screws at
perfectly placed intervals...A well-paced comedy”— Kirkus
“Strand has a keen ear for dialogue and character interaction.” –Publishers Weekly
Buy Links:
BooksAMillion- http://www.booksamillion.com/p/How-Ruined-My-Life/Jeff-Strand/9781492662020?id=6538300475571
Indiebound- https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781492662020
Other Works by Jeff Strand:
Book Info:
A Bad Day for Voodoo
Author: Jeff Strand
ISBN: 9781402266805
Release Date: June 2012
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Summary:
When
your best friend is just a tiny bit psychotic, you should never
actually believe him when he says, "Trust me. This is gonna be awesome."
Of
course, you probably wouldn't believe a voodoo doll could work either.
Or that it could cause someone's leg to blow clean off with one quick
prick. But I've seen it. It can happen.
And when there's
suddenly a doll of YOU floating around out there—a doll that could be
snatched by a Rottweiler and torn to shreds, or a gang of thugs ready to
torch it, or any random family of cannibals (really, do you need the
danger here spelled out for you?)—well, you know that's just gonna be a
really bad day ...
Buy Links for A Bad Day for Voodoo:
BooksAMillion- http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Bad-Day-Voodoo/Jeff-Strand/9781402266805?id=6538300475571
Indiebound- https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781402266805
Book Info:
I Have a Bad Feeling About This
Author: Jeff Strand
ISBN: 9781402284557
Release Date: March, 2014
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Summary:
Wilderness Survival Tip #1
Drinking
your own sweat will not save your life. Somebody might have told you
that, but they were trying to find out if you'd really do it.
Henry
Lambert would rather play video games than spend time in the great
outdoors—but that doesn't make him a wuss. Skinny nerd? Fine. But wuss
is a little harsh. Sadly, his dad doesn't agree. Which is why Henry is
being shipped off to Strongwoods Survival Camp.
Strongwoods
isn't exactly as advertised. It looks like the victim of a zombie
apocalypse, the "camp director" is a psycho drill sergeant, and Henry's
sure he saw a sign written in blood...
Wilderness Survival Tip #2
In case of an avalanche, don't despair. You're doomed, but that's a wicked cool death.
Wilderness Survival Tip #3
If you're relying on this book for actual survival tips, you're dead already.
Buy Links for I have a Bad Feeling About This:
BooksAMillion- http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Bad-Feeling-about-This/Jeff-Strand/9781402284557?id=6538300475571
Indiebound- https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781402284557
Book Info:
The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever
Author: Jeff Strand
ISBN: 9781492628149
Release Date: March, 2016
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Summary:
After
producing three horror movies that went mostly ignored on YouTube,
Justin and his filmmaking buddies decide it’s time they create something
noteworthy, something epic. They’re going to film the Greatest
Zombie Movie Ever. They may not have money or a script, but they have
passion. And, after a rash text message, they also have the beautiful
Alicia Howtz—Justin’s crush—as the lead.
With
only one month to complete their movie, a script that can’t possibly
get worse, and the hopes and dreams of Alicia on the line, Justin is
feeling the pressure. Add to that a cast of uncooperative extras and
incompetent production assistants, and Justin must face the sad, sad
truth. He may actually be producing The Worst Zombie Movie Ever…
Buy Links for The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever:
BooksAMillion- http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Greatest-Zombie-Movie-Ever/Jeff-Strand/9781492628149?id=6538300475571
Indiebound- https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781492628149
Book Info:
Stranger Things Have Happened
Author: Jeff Strand
ISBN: 9781492645399
Release Date: April, 2017
Publisher: Sourcebooks Fire
Summary:
Harry Houdini. Penn and Teller. David Copperfield. Marcus Millian the Third.
Okay, so Marcus isn’t a famous magician. He may not even be a great
magician. But his great-grandfather, the once-legendary and
long-retired Zachary the Stupendous, insists Marcus has true talent. And
when Grandpa Zachary boasts that he and Marcus are working on an
illusion that will shock, stun, and astonish, Marcus wishes he could
make himself disappear.
The
problem? Marcus also has stage fright—in spades. It’s one thing to
perform elaborate card tricks in front of his best friend, Kimberly, but
it’s an entirely different feat to perform in front of an audience.
Then Grandpa Zachary dies in his sleep.
To
uphold his great-grandfather’s honor, the show must go on. It would
take a true sorcerer to pull off the trick Marcus has planned. But maybe
he’s the next best thing…
Buy Links for Stranger Things Have Happened:
BooksAMillion- http://www.booksamillion.com/p/Stranger-Things-Happened/Jeff-Strand/9781492645399?id=6538300475571
Indiebound- https://www.indiebound.org/book/9781492645399
Thanks for coming out tonight! Are you ready to rock?”
A
couple of people in the audience indicate that yes, they are indeed
ready to begin the process of rocking. A few others don’t look up from
their cell phones, but I’m confident that they’ll discover their
readiness to rock as soon as we start playing. The rest of the eleven or
so people in the club haven’t bothered to walk over to the dance floor.
Presumably, they’re waiting for the headline act before committing to
whether or not they’re mentally and physically prepared to rock.
“We’re
Fanged Grapefruit,” I say into the microphone. “This first song is an
original called, ‘You Can’t Train a Goldfish to Catch Popcorn in Its
Mouth, So Don’t Even Try.’ One, two, three, go!”
I
can’t remember which of us came up with the name Fanged Grapefruit. I
think it was Clarissa, our drummer. I consider myself the creative
driving force of the band, but if you see Clarissa, you’ll understand
why she doesn’t lose many arguments. She’s at least six foot three
(though I’ve never measured her), and you wouldn’t want to arm wrestle
her unless you were willing to lose an arm. When she really gets going,
her drumsticks become a blur. And when she’s done with a set, the sticks
look like they’ve been gnawed on by beavers.
Mel,
short for Melvin, is lead guitar and background vocals. I’m lead vocals
and rhythm guitar. Ironically, Mel is a worse guitar player and a
better singer than me. Not everything we do in Fanged Grapefruit makes
sense.
Mel
doesn’t look like he should be in a punk rock band. He looks like he
should be president of the Chess Club. Which he is, but I assure you,
the guy plays chess with attitude. He also gets straight A’s and
is likely to be our class valedictorian, and if so, I hope he’ll pause
his inspiring commencement speech for a wicked guitar solo.
I’m Rod, short for Rodney. Nice to meet you. I’m pretty much average, I guess.
Other
band names we’d brainstormed included Untidy Reptiles, Autocorrected
Text Fail, Rod & the Whacknuts, Carnivorous Vegans, Impolite Music
for Unruly People, The RMC Experiment, Say Goodbye to Your Ears, Pawn
Takes Rook, Crunchy Noise, Crispy Noise, Chicken Fried Noise, (The
Parentheticals), Apes with Monkey Faces, Hairnets Gloriously Aflame, Dog
Eat Dog Eat Munchkin, The Self-Diagnosing Hypochondriacs, Sequel II,
and Sushi Gun.
We
play at this club, the Lane, every Monday, which is the only day you
can get in if you’re under eighteen. We go onstage around eight, and
we’re home by nine fifteen, so all our parents are cool with us being
out on a school night. It also helps that they’ve never actually been
inside the Lane, which is a bubbling pit of health code violations. If
you have to go to the bathroom, hold it. Trust me.
I’m
sure we’d have a much bigger audience if we could play on a Friday or
Saturday night, but Clarissa, Mel, and I are only sixteen, so we’ve got a
couple of years to go. (Sorry if it was insulting that I did the math
for you.) We hope that by the time we’re old enough to play there on a
weekend, we’ll have upgraded to venues where your feet don’t stick to
the floor as often.
Anyway,
we begin to rock out on our guitars and drums, and select members of
the audience begin to move to the music. Well, okay, only two of them.
And one is my girlfriend, Audrey. You might say that she doesn’t count,
but we got together because I was in a band, so I think she does count, thank you very much.
Audrey
runs our merch table. We never sell anything, though she gives away
free stickers to people who look like they might be band managers. She’s
as tiny as Clarissa is non-tiny. You won’t believe me if I say she’s
the most gorgeous girl at our school, so all I’ll say is that if you
look at her and look at me, you’d say, “Wow, how did that happen? He
must be in a band.”
By
the end of our set, three people in the audience are bopping their
heads to the music. That’s a fifty percent increase from when we
started. Fanged Grapefruit rules!
* * *
After
dropping off Clarissa, Mel, and then Audrey (because I always pick her
up first and drop her off last, even though she lives the furthest
away), I go home, take a shower, and start packing my lunch for the next
day.
“How was your gig?” Mom asks, walking into the kitchen.
“Great! Every show gets a little better.”
“I was going to do that for you,” she says, pointing to the sandwich I’m making.
“I
know.” Mom works two jobs, both of which suck, so I’m always happy to
make my own lunch. Plus I’m very specific about the spread of my peanut
butter. It should be as close to the edge of the bread as possible
without spilling over, and the thickness should be consistent.
Generally, I’m a pretty casual guy, but not when it comes to peanut
butter application. We all have our quirks.
“I’ve got news,” she says.
“Dad got out of prison?”
Dad isn’t really in prison. He left us two years ago. We joke about him being in prison as a coping mechanism.
“No.”
“I’m finally going to get a baby sister?”
“Ha. You wish.”
“You got a raise?”
Mom shakes her head. “I did get a five-dollar tip on an eighteen-dollar meal though. That was nice.”
“Wild panthers have run amok in our neighborhood, gobbling up people left and right?”
“Maybe you should stop guessing.”
“Maybe I should. So is this good news or bad news?” I ask.
“Well…”
I set down the butter knife. “That doesn’t sound like a good ‘well…’”
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it bad news,” Mom says. “It’s definitely not the worst news ever. Nobody died or anything.”
“Tell me.”
“You know your aunt Mary and uncle Clark?”
“Of
course.” I don’t think I’ve seen Uncle Clark since I was six. We live
in Florida, and they live in California. He and Dad never got along, so
every couple of years, Aunt Mary would visit us by herself. With Dad out
of the picture, I assumed we’d see more of our extended family, but it
never really happened.
“Aunt Mary and Uncle Clark are going on a cruise.”
“That’s cool.” I consider that for a moment and then get very excited. “Are they taking us with them?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“It’s one of those around-the-world cruises. Three whole months. Doesn’t that sound fun?”
Did
I mention that Aunt Mary and Uncle Clark are rich? You probably picked
up on that when Mom said they were going on a three-month-long world
cruise.
“Is Blake going with them?” I ask.
“No. He’s not.”
Suddenly,
I have an idea where this conversation is headed. It doesn’t make me
happy. “Maybe you should spell this out for me,” I say.
“Your cousin Blake is going to live with us for three months. Isn’t that exciting?”
I stare at her for a few hours.
(Possibly, I’m exaggerating.)
“Starting when?” I ask.
“Next week.”
“You mean before the school year ends?”
“Yes. He’s going to transfer to your school.”
“That’s messed up!”
Mom shrugs. “They got a good deal on the cruise.”
“Where’s he going to stay? We don’t have a guest bedroom.”
“Well, I thought…you know…”
“He can’t share my room!” If I wasn’t almost an adult, I would have stomped my foot.
“Honey, it’s only for three months.”
“That’s a quarter of a year! I thought we were broke,” I say. “How are we going to pay for all that extra food?”
“We’re not that broke, and obviously, your aunt and uncle will help pay for groceries.”
“Isn’t he a spoiled brat?”
“You haven’t seen him in ten years,” Mom says.
“Well, ten years ago he was a spoiled brat.”
“I’m sure he’s fine now.”
“Doesn’t he have any friends he can stay with in California?”
My mom sighs. “Rodney, he’s family. Family is always welcome in our home.”
I
hope I’m not coming off as whiny and selfish. If a hurricane tore the
roof off their house and they lost all of their worldly possessions,
sure, I’d happily donate half of my room to Cousin Blake while they
rebuilt their lives. But asking me to give up my privacy so Aunt Mary
and Uncle Clark can go on a luxury cruise seems kind of unreasonable.
However, I’m pretty sure this is a done deal, and my mom has enough stress in her life without me continuing to protest.
“All right,” I say.
“Thank you.” Mom gives me a hug. “I think you’ll enjoy having him here.”
Who
knows? Maybe I will. Maybe my cousin is a really cool guy. Maybe he has
good taste in music. And maybe he’s witty and entertaining. And maybe
he’ll be willing to help with emergency cleanup if we’re having a wild
party and Mom calls suddenly to say she’s on her way home early.
We might end up being the best friends that any two cousins could ever be. We’ll giggle and frolic and be inseparable.
But probably not.
I can’t believe I have to share my room.
I
return to making my lunch. I’ll try to be optimistic and pretend that
these will be the best three months of my life. How bad could it be?
Jeff Strand has
written more than twenty books and is a four-time nominee of the Bram
Stoker Award. Three of his young adult novels were Junior Library Guild
picks. Publishers Weekly called his work “wickedly funny.” He lives in Atlanta, Georgia. Learn more at JeffStrand.com.
Social Media Links:
Website: https://jeffstrand.wordpress.com/
Twitter: @JeffStrand
Facebook: Jeff Strand
(2) Copies of How You Ruined My Life
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